Spending time together - “Couch Time”

The primary relationship in the marriage – between mom and dad – is the foundation for all the other relationships.

When the workday is over, take ten to fifteen minutes to sit on a couch as a couple. Couch time should take place when the children are awake, not after they have gone to bed. No interruptions are allowed – this is Mom and Dad’s time. Say, “I (Dad), will play with Nathan, Ryan and Becky afterwards, but Mom comes first.”

Couch time provides children with a visual sense of your togetherness. It is one tangible way your child can measure Mom and Dad’s love relationship and have their inner need of security satisfied. In addition, couch time provides a forum for Mom and Dad’s personal and relational needs to be met. After sharing a refreshment together, and sharing the events of the day, it is time to play with the children – 10 minutes per child, per parent – and you let the child choose what he or she wants to do. And sorry, dad, if she wants to play Barbies, you play dolls with her, Give your child your undivided attention for 10 minutes, and then it is the next child’s turn. Repeat the procedure while focusing on the new relationship and you will have secure, happy and relaxed children.

Remember, it is not about time spent together, it is about relationship building. If you desire to achieve excellence in parenting, you must protect your marriage. A strong marriage acts as a stabilizing factor against the shocks of life. As you maintain your priority relationship as a couple, you are stimultaneously hedging against child-centred parenting. From the very beginning, children are to be welcome members of your family, but not the centre of it.

Couples often did special things for each other before children came into the family. If there was a special meal you enjoyed preparing, plan that into your weekly meal schedule. Men, when you bring home a gift for your children, bring one home to your wife. Continue to do those things that were markers of your special relationship before the children came.

But is receiving a gift what your child really wants? Oh yes, every one loves a gift, but what does your child need more and would appreciate more? What would be a lasting gift? What is your child’s love language? Of all the ways we mis-communicate our intentions, perhaps the greatest potential for harm is to not properly communicate love to our children. Love is the foundation to a secure child who grows into a giving, loving adult. But how does my child experience the love that I bestow him or her? Every child has a primary language of love, a way in which he or she understands a parent’s love best. What is your child’s most important love language, what is your primary love language and what is your husband's?

Rate the following acts of love from 1 to 5. Number one is more important than the other four, and number five the least important.

What is your primary love language? We often give love in a way that we would like to receive it. Make a note of your child or teenager’s love language and make certain that you do show love in your child’s special unique way. (It is amazing how few people, children and adults, choose gift giving as their primary love language and yet this is what we all spend hundreds of rand on!)

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